I'm embarking on an experiment in a non-relationship. Take all the good bits of a standard relationship and dump the bad. This means different things to different people no doubt. Here's my own personal analysis:

The Good: regular sex, a man to do jobs around the house and garden, nice talks, the odd date (prob going to a gig)

The Bad: loss of sense of self, bickering over household chores, feeling obligated to spend time with them when you don't really want to, doing stuff they enjoy but you don't to "compromise", doing boring daily tasks like shopping with them etc etc

Course there can be added bonuses. For example my last disastrous relationship lasted too long because I didn't want to lose (in addition to sex and DIY!) a male role model for my young son and an incredible musical partner. Unfortunately he was also verbally and emotionally abusive. In the end, out of spite, he witheld the things he knew I wanted (including sex!) so what was the point?

So now my "compromise" involved finding at least good sex and an odd-job man without the shit. And I did it!! Thanks to the old internet dating. At least I'm hoping that's what I've got, it's early days yet.

So this blog is going to be a record of my first ever attempt (I'm 41!) at a non-relationship. Can I fight the natural female instinct to emotionally attach to a great lover and friend? Aren't relationships based on the fact that the couple have found exactly that? So why do they inevitably go wrong? Oh come on even the most solid of couples have lost that spark, find each other irritating sometimes and have somehow lost parts of themselves. Loss of self - the biggest downfall in a relationship. And I always do it! This time I'm gonna try not to by having a non-relationship.

By an incredible stroke of luck or fate or whatever almost immediately I signed up for internet dating I was "winked" by B. Might have ignored it if I'd had more experience but it might have been my first decent wink. We e-mailed a bit. We met up on the beach, he with his dogs, me with my boy. Nice enough. Then he text me that he thought I was lovely. We text about another meeting. Then silence. I didn't understand. I am not a girl capable of reading between the lines or understanding hints. In that way my brain is quite male-like, logical, down to earth. So me being me I sent him a long e-mail trying to work out why he'd suddenly gone cold. Another time I might not have bothered or if I was someone else I might not have had the guts. He then answered and the first hints of the non-relationship scenario became apparent. B told me he didn't want to get to know my boy or for my boy to get to know him. Painful divorce etc. I thought about it. I don't know why I was so pushy because B is not immediately drop dead gorgeous or anything. But after my recent break-up I had decided that I was not prepared to go without sex. I'm too old to wait for fate to intervene and hand me a new man! As a single mum I barely go out so I had to take control and actively seek a man. So I suggested we meet just the two of us. We arranged a Sunday eve. But I was so impatient I invited him over on the Wednesday...wow! nice first time sex.
Then the ex suddenly appeared and I was back with him...for 2 days! Oh naughty me then I was sleeping with them both for a week or two. The second time with B we were both blown away. Drug fuelled all night sex, the best either of us had had in years! Totally mindblowing! And on top of that I think he's a great guy. He's a bad un, total rogue (possibly reformed?) but I like him! We have stuff in common, similar outlooks on life and relationships or non-relationships.
So we agree to give it a go. Seems to be twice a week for sex. Up til now that's been one drugs/sex/music all nighter and a quickie. Yum!! But we talk a lot and tonight we go out on a date. Neither of us is into going out but I need to and he agreed to come with me. That's cool! Exactly fitting my criteria again "the occasional date". What I know I won't get from him is a "daddy" for my boy but I may get some kind of role model if he lets the boy help him do jobs. Anyway I'm not so concerned about this at the moment. In a few years maybe.

B says that good sex in return for good sex should be enough. Yeah in cloud cuckoo land. A single mum with no family around needs a man who can HELP. I can't sacrifice that for even the best sex I've ever had (which it is!). So I explain that I have to keep looking for someone who'll do both sex and DIY. He offers to take it on. Problem solved and I stop looking at other guys though only cos I want to not because I'm trying to please him. That's not what this is about. This is about being selfish. Don't be beholden to a man for my emotional stability and certainly not for financial stability (never done that!). Give unconditionally and receive unconditionally. Being selfish doesn't mean holding back as a friend but it does mean not doing stuff you don't want to do in case you get emotional grief from your partner. I stop looking for other guys because I know that in this small seaside town I ain't gonna get a better deal than the one I've got now. At least as long as I'm happy...

Anyway I guess asking for manly jobs as part of the deal makes me something of a whore unless there's something else I can give him apart from sex. I think all relationships are prostitution to some degree. In the conventional set-up the guy wants a mum for his kids, regular sex, womanly jobs done and company. A woman wants a stable home for herself and her children, nice stuff, regular sex, company, manly jobs taken on. It's all about trading isn't it?

So there's the set-up. Why now have I decided to ditch standard relationships? Because my "relationships" have all failed (including a marriage) - there's a decent sample size believe me! Because I'm too set in my ways and independent to accommodate another full-time boyfriend. Because B is determined for the same reasons as me and I think if I can rein in my female instincts all will be perfect!