More on a non-relationship

So...yesterday I spent a while in the morning on MSN to Brighton. It was really nice chatting to him and he's dead keen. I'm a little bit worried about it cos I've chatted to guys on-line before and you generate a picture of them in your mind based on their photo and then at the face-to-face there's nothing there. Even yesterday I found out that he's 5ft 11 with small hands and fingers - I'd imagined 6ft 2 with long fingers! See? It's easy to be disappointed when you've created a person in your imagination via MSN or text or e-mail or whatever. Must remember to go by the kiss and be ruthless this time! Still sexually he says all the right things and accomodates everything I say. Is he desperate for a lay or genuine? I think he must be genuine because he probably has plenty of opportunities for casual sex...or does he? I'm guessing cos he plays in a band and could get girls phone numbers pretty easily if he wanted. Oh I don't know. Probably anyone else would see some obvious flaw in what I'm doing but my mind is completely clouded by my outrageous sex drive at the moment. I mean, in retrospect, I can't believe I fucked that brickie! I knew from the moment I saw him that it wouldn't be any good but kept giving him the benefit of the doubt. Desperate or what?

Chatted to Brighton again in the afternoon. Seen lots of photos of him and webcam strip show. He's talking real dirty now thanks to my prodding e-mail (see previous posts). He's really into the idea of meeting for an hour the first time to build the tension. Good idea actually cos if I did want to turn him down I wouldn't have to do it face-to-face...ha ha.

Brighton had been demanding more photos of me. I'm dead lazy and was putting off doing it cos of the dressing up, charging camera, downloading photos etc etc. Anyway in the eve I was chatting to the kid who got his cock out for me on his webcam! During a pause I remembered the photos cos the kid had asked for some too. So that was enough incentive to get me going. The kid really liked them. I e-mailed them to Brighton and this morning got a reply from him. Quite reserved tho...well he said I had a hot body. That's nice. I also asked the kid if he'd be into a MMF 3some. He said he would! This could be very cool but there are lots of ifs. If Brighton is any good, if the kid is any good, if we can organise a meet. Could be very tricky logistically as the kid works in the daytime. But nice fantasy fodder!

Am in a text exchange with B at the moment as he's coming up tonight for a fuck. Sounds like it's gonna be a quickie, boo hoo. He's not being very communicative either which is annoying me. I've just sent a few texts asking for some dirty talk/sweet talk. What came back was the aggressive type "I'm gonna shove my cock all the way down your throat" kind of thing. Nothing sensual or sweet. Oh well maybe he's gonna just start being hard in which case I think I'm gonna lose interest. Surely he wouldn't want to give up the passionate, sensual stuff would he? It was so amazing! He's not responded to my last two demanding texts...yikes he might be in a mood. He likes to be the one demanding, which I know, but there are limits. This is supposed to be fun afterall.

hmmmm wonder if I've just blown it with B...

Later...nah he's just bogged down in real life traumas at the moment. But he's probably not gonna come to see me and I think that might be a few days or even longer (I'm just guessing, could be tonight still!). Oh well I can get a thrill from flirting with Brighton next week...but no real life sex. Crikey it'll be the first week for a long time. Hmmm there's always the angry ex but I don't trust him to show me a good time anymore. The kid? He might be all talk...

Later again...well B's coming up but only to smoke pot and talk! Oh well, I suppose I should have some empathy as he's going through tough times. He says the kind of sex we have takes too much energy that he hasn't got. I think he's pushing this fuck buddy thing beyond it's limit. Surely he should only come and see me when he wants to have sex. Otherwise what am I now? A friend and lover? Doesn't that make me a girlfriend? See why I'm confused? If any friend came over to chat to me about their woes I would feel for them and a little bit of love towards them would sneak out. That brings with it attachment which is what we're trying to avoid. Mixed messages...but then I did offer to help him out in any way I could through these hard times so I have to live up to my word. I meant it but really only cos I want to make sure he comes back to me for sex. I'm thinking like a man!

All my adult life I've been in monogamous relationships. I guess now is my time for hot fun! I wonder if it will be fun in reality. If I fuck Brighton will it be the wonderful experience I hope for or will I just feel like a cheap slut fucking someone else's husband? I think I can treat it like a sport if the brickie is anything to go by. I wasn't that bothered that he was crap in bed, just that he might have impregnated me. It was such an effort to set up the meet as well. So it would be like arranging a tennis match and for your opponent to be rubbish. Just disappointing. I didn't feel like a cheap slut at all. I felt like a woman trying to find a good lover and failing. Brighton really does sound hopeful though. He talks the talk, could be on to something there. I think I should really avoid the kid apart from if Brighton wants to do a 3some.

So looking for a good lover is just like looking for a good tennis opponent or employee. You interview them, try them out and then go from there. Why not? I'll try my best to find the best candidate through this method but there are bound to be mistakes. I would never have guessed that B was an amazing lover through anything he said or did before we went to bed...so in the end that's the acid test. Brighton might just be a good interviewee for all I know. Could be crap in bed. Well I don't mind trying him out he he.