More on the story of a non-relationship

B and I sent each other reassuring texts after our disappointing meet on Thurs night. I know that he's just tired and can't give me what I need at the moment. I sometimes go into selfish mode and start getting demanding. Must try harder! Poor guy has had a lot on his plate recently and doesn't need a nagging fuck buddy too. I should just be there for leisure time, for fun and not be a burden in anyway to him.

Course that's what led me to end up nearly fucking Brighton the other day. I'm so horny and I can't be pestering B for sex or dirty talk all the time so I had to find someone else to talk dirty with. Talking dirty led to meeting up which led to finger fucking (see previous posts) and now there's talk of an illicit afternoon in a hotel! Crikey, you see how insanely horny I am? And I don't want to know anything about Brighton, anything about his real life. I want it to be pure fantasy (see previous posts). I wish I could be happy with what B gives me, but actually it's his fault that I'm so horny! I've never had such mindblowing sex and I'm addicted to it...I'm hoping Brighton will come somewhere near to mindblowing or at least very good.

Had a long text exchange with the angry ex last night. I'm sure he was lying about having a new girlfriend. He was begging me for phone sex and real sex and is obsessed with his masturbation fantasy involving me, him and his brother (I think that's a bit weird but he doesn't seem to think so...hmmm). He was really laying it on thick telling me how I'm the best he's ever had (I don't doubt it!) and how much he misses sex with me (don't doubt it again!). I didn't want to phone him as his dirty talk is not very good but I led him on by text, talking dirty to him. I also offered him a deal whereby he would do something that I really want him to (not sexual) and every time he did I would fuck him afterwards. Pretty good for us both I think! He didn't respond to that but I think I could work on it...whore? me? ha ha

Having a saucy little text exchange with B so I'm feeling much more relaxed about us now. If only I didn't look forward to sex with him so much. I have to forget about expectations and just live in the moment! Those Buddhists have got it right...forget the past and don't think about the future.

Just this minute B asked if he could come up tonight...fantasy tho so no talking or kissing. I don't mind about the talking but I miss the kissing a bit. Still last time we played it he gave me a wonderful orgasm so I'm not really complaining!

The next morning....
I waited ages for B to sneak in last night. I used a blindfold for the first time which added to the excitement for me. I was incredibly horny with anticipation but then my mind started wandering and I couldn't rein it in. What he did with his hands and tongue was lovely but I just couldn't orgasm. This has happened before and I know it's my state of mind, nothing to do with him. I really enjoyed blowing him though and I think he enjoyed it too. Yummy!

Maybe we need another night on e for me to get my orgasm back? Or I just need to practise meditation techniques to concentrate during sex? I was trying last night...you know, breathe in calm, breathe out orgasm! But even that just led to more chit chat in my head. Very annoying. So of course I was still horny afterwards and am tingling at this very minute.

Hope B wasn't disappointed that I didn't cum because that thought just adds to my anxiety during sex. It'surprising to me that I could be so horny up until the moment he actually starts touching me and then somehow lose it. Totally unpredictable. I could have easily cum last night if my head had been calm. There's no rationale behind my anxiety. Clearly B loves having sex with me and would love me to orgasm so why do I worry that he's going off me or whatever? Silly.

Have to wait til Thursday for the next encounter...wonder what it'll involve and whether I'll relax enough to cum!